Out the other side

Sorry guys, I haven’t felt much like writing for the last couple of days, bit sore and sluggish – my brain’s not quite functioning at full speed so apologies in advance if this ends up being a shambles of a post.  Op went well on Monday and they cut a fair bit of endometriosis out of me as well as giving my tubes a good flushing out , so on top of having less painful periods from now on, we should have a higher chance of conceiving, fingers crossed!

I need to be careful about getting my hopes up though….my first thought on Monday once I discovered what they’d found was, “awesome, it’s going to happen straight away now”.  Luckily I quickly came to my senses and realised that that most probably won’t be the case and I need to be a bit more realistic about this.  There’s no way I’m going to let myself go back to major disappointment and tears each month when discovering we’re not pregnant – I’ve come way too far for that and have built my defences up to a comfortable point where I can deal with the frustration at not succeeding.  Hopefully I’ll get a nice surprise one day soon but I’m not going to get hung up on it.  As a very wise friend mentioned earlier today, this op has put me back at “normal”.  I now have the same chance as any normal person trying to conceive, which means it may happen pretty soon, but equally as likely could take months.

It’s funny what you come to think of as normal.  I’ve had painful periods for most of my life (although admittedly they had been getting worse since coming off the pill 2 years ago).  To me that was normal and it never occurred to me that other people didn’t experience that.  I remember being a little surprised at one of my initial fertility consultations having been asked if I took painkillers for my painful periods.  I admitted I did but tried not to as I found if I took them too much they weren’t so effective.  The next question the doctor asked was “would a normal person take painkillers if faced with the pain you have?”  I was a bit taken aback at that as I’d always considered myself relatively ‘normal’.  I know have a reasonable pain threshold but it had honestly never occurred to me that what I was experiencing was anything outside the norm.  In a strange way I feel validated now, like it was ok that I was in pain each month because it’s now a fact I did have/do have endometriosis – which just seems so odd as a week ago I was dismissing the fact that endo was a possibility.  I was actually a little scared that they’d do the op, find nothing and everything would turn out to have been in my head.  So crazy how the human mind works sometimes.

Other than my realisation of ‘normal’ (or more to the point ‘abnormal’), another thing highlighted to me this week is just how lucky I am.  My husband and I have a reasonably comfortable life, we both have pretty good jobs, and a place of our own to call home.  We may not have a Bumble (yet), but we are truly blessed with fantastic friends and family.  The amount of support received both before and after my op has really astounded me.  It just amazes me that so many people care.  I know that probably sounds silly but I honestly don’t think we stop often enough to appreciate all the wonderful people we have around us.  You guys are absolutely fantastic and I know we wouldn’t be where we are today without you.  You know who you are, and we love you all to bits!  Your support and kindness really IS appreciated and treasured.

So, onwards and upwards.  I have an amazing ‘support team’ and four little holes in my belly – soon to become ‘battle-scars’.  I have less endometriosis, and a higher chance of conceiving my little Bumble.  Not long ago I was afraid of scarring my stomach, now I will look on my scars as just another step along the path to the beehive, road markers of how far we’ve come both physically and mentally in the last 20 months.  Positive, but not too positive, I look forward to just being ‘normal’.

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