What did I do to deserve this

One of the hardest parts of this journey is dealing with the mental torment created by the struggle to conceive.  A huge part of this is the fact that it’s not just one thought or series of thoughts that you have to deal with but multiple bombardments of different things from completely different and often unexpected angles.  Coupled with the unfathomable desire to torture yourself further by needing to know details of others experiences, this mental anguish can become an overwhelming beast that threatens your day-to-day life and sanity.

The longer you try, the more frustrated you become with those who have conceived easily, who completely take that for granted and/or make some comment that shows how they really don’t understand what you’re going through.  I hate to admit it but there have been times when I have wished this experience upon them, which is so SO wrong as in reality I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.  There are times when you don’t want to leave the house because it seems the entire world is either pregnant or pushing strollers.  There are the moments when you burst into tears because so-and-so’s brother-in-law’s cousin twice removed has just announced they’re pregnant…and don’t even start me on those announcements that occur closer to home.  The worst is when you discover these announcements while at work.  At least at home you can curl up in bed and bawl your eyes out with no one, except maybe your other half or your pet, to look sideways at you.

I’ve had a couple of melt downs at work so far (not bad for coming up two years TTC!).  The first very was early on in the process when not many people knew we were trying.  My boss was one of those who knew and a month or so into the process he and his new wife started trying also.  We joked about it…”race ya”…all very light hearted, “any news?” we’d ask each other each week, “no”, “no, not yet”.  Well, two and a half months later and his “no” was a bit different.  A slight hesitation before the “no” and a quick glance to his computer screen said it all.  When you work with someone so closely you learn to read them almost as well as you can read your own partner.  Turns out his wife is 6 weeks pregnant “but don’t tell anyone cause it’s early days yet”.  Off he goes to a meeting and I lose the plot.  Bawled my eyes out at my desk for a good hour or so.  Lucky no one else was around that day and I had the place to myself.  His wee girl is now eight months old…and we’re still trying.

The second time I really lost the plot at work was a few months later.  Sitting at my desk working away and I get a text.  My sister’s pregnant, first try.  Of course I’m super happy for them don’t get me wrong, but it also hits home how defective we are at doing the same thing.  This time there are people around and I stare at my computer screen crying silently, tears streaming down my face.  All fine, no one’s noticing, until my buddy next to me asks me a question and I choke to answer.  The cat’s out of the bag.  I can’t even talk to tell her why I’m crying so show her the text.  Lucky for me my buddy is one of the ‘rocks’ in our road to Bumbledom.  She has been one of the most supportive, understanding, and truly caring people thus far and there’s no way in hell I would have got this far without her.  Of course it helps that she’s walked this path herself (and then some!) so knows exactly what it’s like…my advice – if you can find yourself a person like this, hold tight and don’t let go.

Those are my two major work episodes but there have been plenty more outside of the workplace, believe me!  The thing I’ve found is that you find ways of coping which make the meltdowns less frequent, the trouble is they become much more random.  I used to cry when I found out someone I knew was pregnant.  Now I can fake a smile through that but I burst into tears for no reason.  I went to my brothers for dinner one night and had lovely evening.  Got home and for absolutely no reason at all fell to pieces, balled my eyes out for 30 plus minutes just inside my door.  I guess sometimes all the little things add up and it just takes one tiny thought to push you over the edge. I’d love to say it gets easier but it doesn’t, it just gets different.

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2 responses to “What did I do to deserve this

  • SunnySide

    I completely understand! The announcements can be the worst. Right when we think we’ve pulled ourselves together, some “innocent” person announces a “we got it on the first try” pregnancy. It’s pure torture. This is a tough time of year, too, because so many people think it’s a great time to announce a pregnancy. As if the holidays aren’t hard enough already. Hang in there, girl! We are here for you!

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