“Phew for a minute there, I lost myself”

Happy New Year everyone!  Fingers crossed 2013 is our year and this blog becomes a story of pregnancy and parenthood rather than a struggle through infertility.  For a couple of reasons I’ve just had my first completely sober New Year’s party since I was a teenager.  Firstly, good old Aunt Flo hadn’t made an appearance yet so there was a chance I was pregnant, and secondly it’s advised you don’t consume alcohol or caffeine within a week of starting Clomid treatment, which I’d planned on starting early January should Aunt Flo decide to arrive.  I have to say I had a really good night.  Surrounded by some of my best friends at a fantastic beachside location, great music and loads of dancing to keep me awake.  I was one of the last to bed at 4:30 in the morning.  Not a bad effort I have to say.  The only downside of the night was that Aunt Flo got excited by all the commotion and decided to join the party just after midnight.  A most unwelcome guest unfortunately but what can you do.  I shed a couple of tears then (wo)manned up and enjoyed the rest of my night.

It’s been really nice having a holiday knowing there’s nothing at all I can do at this stage of my cycle to influence the outcome.  I haven’t been able forget about everything, I’m a real thinker so it’s impossible to turn that off entirely, but I’ve managed to give myself some kind of break over the last two weeks which has been good.  I just hope like hell that we have some luck this year because the thought of sitting here this time next year in the same position as we are now is soul destroying.  After a summer holiday and working through all the stuff we’ve been through over the last (nearly) two years I’m beginning to feel stronger, almost like we can battle through whatever we have to to reach Bumble.  There are still a couple of things that threaten to dent the armour though.  One of them is the idea of sitting here Bumbleless in a year’s time.  The other is a thought that only really snuck into my consciousness this week, although it has been hovering somewhere around the edge of awareness for a while now.

That thought is this.  Some friends are getting married in a couple of weeks’ time and all year I’ve had it in my head that I’d be pregnant for their wedding.  With the arrival of Aunt Flo on New Year’s that’s obviously not going to be the case but I’ve also come to the realisation that they could potentially become pregnant before we do.  I can’t quite put my finger on why this upsets me so much.  It’s not the fact that they’d be having a baby, of course I’d be thrilled for them, and they’re going to make great parents when it does happen for them.  Analysing it more, it seems to be loneliness behind the over-emotion associated with the thought of their potential pregnancy.  The idea of yet again being left behind while everyone else moves on with the next stage of their lives.  Despite being surrounded by supportive people infertility is an extremely lonely process and it’s pretty hard to stay positive sometimes.

I can never completely shake the idea that Bumble may never happen for us, then worry that my negative thoughts are impacting on getting us there.  It would be lovely to be able to escape for a while.  This holiday has got me part of the way there but to go back to a life where I’m not consumed with trying to conceive, even just for five minutes, would be fantastic.  The constant up and down of hope, then worry and despair, does take its toll after a while and it wears you down.  It’s like spending a day on a boat in rough seas then trying to walk on dry land, or spinning round and round in a circle then trying to walk in a straight line.  Things that would normally be simple just seem that much harder and out of your control.  My friend used to drink to deal with the pain of infertility, a way to drown the sorrows and block the pain.  At times I wish I could deal that way…perhaps it’s not so good for the TTC body but to be able to mask the pain for a while would be bliss….unfortunately that way’s just not for me.  I guess I need to find my own way to deal with this process as obviously I can’t be going off on holiday every month.  Maybe this blog is it for me, it certainly makes me feel better getting it all off my chest every so often, or maybe I’ll find something else…..OR maybe, just maybe, this Clomid treatment will work for us and I won’t need a way to deal with infertility at all.  Fingers crossed for the latter option.  I guess we’ll find out soon enough.  Hope you all had a great New Years and here’s to a bright and cheerful 2013!

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