Back into the ring

I know I haven’t posted in a while, it’s summer and I’ve been out enjoying life, something I’m determined to do more of this year.  I spent much of 2012 wallowing in what could have and should have been, and I won’t let another year go by waiting for wishes and dreams.  I may not have much control over whether I achieve this dream or not but I’m going to do everything in my power to succeed and I’m going to have a bloody good time while I get there.

My old friend AF is on its way as I write this (you could set a clock by my cycle it’s so regular) so Clomiphene cycle one is officially a BFN.  I’ve been trying to deal with this as positively as possible in light of my determination to have a more constructive year.  It’s not been easy I have to admit and I did have a small cry yesterday after looking at IUI prices, but I’m back on track today trying my best to think “never mind, there’s always next cycle.”  It does make it easier knowing that we’re not dealing with this alone anymore, that we have a fertility expert working alongside us and that there is a time limit on this before we try the next thing.  I am insanely grateful that my hubby and I both have good jobs and can afford to see someone decent without the endless wait of the public system.

We did try the going down the publicly funded route for a while (and will have to again should we end up at IVF stage – our jobs aren’t THAT good!) but we ended up switching to private for a couple of reasons.  One, because we could and I felt bad I was using resources that people who couldn’t afford to go private should have access to.  And two, I was not in a good headspace at that time and the endless bureaucratic hoops combined with my poor priority score meant VERY long waits for every treatment…Basically other than a slight suspicion of endometriosis (which has since been proven correct despite my ‘normal’ blood test, and has been privately removed) I had nothing obviously wrong with me, this meant I was the bottom of the list for all medication/procedures, with many months wait for even the most basic treatments.

So now onto another cycle of privately-funded Clomiphene with fingers crossed.  I have decided that if I’m not pregnant by my birthday (2 cycles away) we are going to try IUI….so we’d better get saving!  My birthday will mark two years since we started trying and while they have been a long and very painful two years I have learnt a number of things about myself and the world around me:

  1. I am stronger than I ever thought possible and will bounce back regardless of how many times I am knocked down.
  2. My husband is a godsend and I should count myself endlessly lucky that I have such an amazing man beside me who can still love me after so many grumps and meltdowns.
  3. I have a remarkable group of friends and family who have been, and will be, supportive regardless of their views on children.
  4. It is nothing personal when other people get pregnant and want to share their happy news
  5. Reframing things in a more positive way really will make you feel better about life, even if it seems ridiculous or pointless at the time.
  6. Those who have not had problems with infertility will never understand what it is like to go through this process and I should not be upset at their thoughts or comments.  A lot of the time they think they are helping and I should cherish their intentions rather than be upset at their vocalisations.
  7. There is always someone worse off than you so be thankful for what you do have even if it’s not everything you want.
  8. You are never alone even when it seems there is no one left in the world (thanks Team Twitter!).
  9. People do not intentionally wave their babies in my face, it only seems like that sometimes.
  10. Life is not ‘The Truman Show’ and pregnant people/babies are not deliberately cued up to surround me whenever I walk out the door.
  11. When you’re feeling down there is only one way to go…up!
  12. If I do my best to enjoy life, keep myself busy, remember to take time for me, and appreciate as many moments as I can, my problems won’t seem quite so ominous….well, not all the time at least.

So armed with my learning’s I jump back into the ring gloved up and ready.  This is one fight I am determined not to lose and if I’m not destined to win the title I’m sure as anything going to go down fighting.

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