Crystal ball gazing

We’re on our way home from a weekend in Melbourne.  I was little apprehensive about the emotions that would come bubbling to the surface on this trip as the last time we were in Melbourne we started our journey for Bumble.  We even bought a highchair & some toys and lugged them all the way home (an international flight) in the belief that in a few months our little Bumble would be on his/her way.  Back then we were so excited and I remember being a little nervous, prompting my hubby to state “We don’t have to do this”.  I don’t know what I was worried about, two years down the track and we are still Bumbleless, in fact, I don’t know why I ever worried about getting pregnant at all.  It was such a preoccupation as a teen & twenty-something, the fear of getting pregnant drilled into us again and again throughout school and beyond.  I understand why this occurs, teenagers are especially good at believing “it won’t happen to me” but I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps the truth of the situation should be covered off somewhere along the way also.  Something along the lines of “these are all the things you can do to avoid getting pregnant, but when the time to start a family begins to feel right just remember it may take longer than you expect”.  I was certainly never warned at 18 just how much the contraceptive pill would mess with my body, and talking to some of my friends this lack of information seems to be the norm.

Melbourne.  We were there to visit friends, do a bit of shopping, and eat our way through some good restaurants.  We braved Ikea (the place we bought the baby gear from two years ago) and I’m glad we did this first, without our friends, as I struggled to hold back tears through the kids and babies section.  I couldn’t help thinking how unfair it was that we were still childless, and how, as much as I wanted to stock up on all the fantastic kids toys, there was really no point spending all that money when the future is still so uncertain.

The future is something we’re really struggling with at the moment.  Determined not to put our lives on hold for yet another year we’ve been toying with ideas of various holidays and activities.  We’ve been considering a trip to the Northern Hemisphere to join my Dad for his birthday.  As it is, it will be a stretch financially even without factoring in the added cost of fertility treatment.  At present I’m on Clomiphene which is definitely one of the cheaper options for the TTCer, however that will last only a couple more months before I move onto the next (significantly more costly) phase.  And what happens if I do fall pregnant?  After two years of TTC would I risk it by disappearing across the world for a holiday (plane rides tend to mess with my body a bit)?  What if it happens soon and I can’t actually fly later in the year?  Do we forfeit the $2000+ each tickets?  It’s almost easier not to plan anything, but then we end up back in the same position of putting our lives on hold.

Then there’s the activities based at home.  I’ve signed up for football (soccer) again this season but my acupuncturist has warned against this as it’s not conducive to conceiving.  Other people seem to be able to conceive while still participating in sport…but then I’m not other people.  Do I quit something I love doing (and let the team down) on the slight off-chance it may help me conceive?  What if I do that and nothing happens?  And what else is there that could make me exercise in such an enjoyable way?  Exercise is recommended for those trying to conceive but it seems I only enjoy the types of exercise that are hard on the body…I’ve never been a big swimmer or anything like that.  Perhaps something to talk to my fertility expert next time I see him.

So on top of the complete mind-f**k that occurs month to month with TTC there’s the added stress of trying to look to the future.  Not quite as simple as most people would think.   At least Melbourne was a success.  From Ikea onward the trip only got better and I’m pleased to say it was a really enjoyable weekend.  I’m much stronger than I used to be….most of the time.

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