“Buried yet I’m still alive”

Well, I had started this great blog post last week about how I was changing my perspective for 2013 and how I was thinking more positively about my situation.  Checking out pregnant people and thinking ‘one day that will be me’ instead of getting angry and jealous.  I was doing really well too, I’d made it through two whole months with this new outlook and was feeling really good.  I had hope again and for the first time since the very beginning of this journey had thought it could actually happen to me.  My body felt whole again.  Unfortunately last weekend, the first weekend of the month and the first weekend of autumn, it all came crashing down.  Bye bye blog post.  Stupid me thinking it could last, I should have known from experience the ‘highs’ never last long, what a fool. 

The spiral started a few days before when I phoned my clinic to tell them it was day 1 and that I needed a new clomiphene prescription.   My usual nurse was MIA so I ended up talking to her counterpart who said I sounded down (well, duh!  It’s day 1, naturally I’m disappointed) and promptly gave me a lecture about how it can take a while even with assistance, and how even fertile couples can take months to get pregnant.  Yeah, thanks, I’m pretty sure I already know that after two years on this journey while watching everyone around me get pregnant and, oh yeah, way to remind me how defective my body is and how abnormal I am!  I got off the call confused and angry and continued to fume about her treatment of me for a couple of days.  Deep down I know she was trying to help and make me feel better but honestly, treating me like a 5 year old with a fucked up body was not the way to do it.

Still, I soldiered on, persevering with my positive buzz.  I even told my boss I was getting less upset about this whole thing and was having success at trying to change my way of thinking.  It was true at the time and had been true for two whole months, but a day or two later something happened.  I don’t know what, maybe my brain ran out of serotonin, maybe I just woke up to reality.  Whatever the cause I’ve been really down all week.  Normally I can pull myself out of these funks but this time I’m really struggling.  It’s unusual at this stage of my cycle.  Currently around day 10, now is a time I’m usually filled with hope and promise, sure that this is our month and miracles do happen.  I’m not normally feeling low for at least another week or two (even then it’s not typically this bad).  This sudden change in my cycles M.O. has thrown me. 

I just can’t be bothered with anything anymore.  I’m struggling at work, I can’t concentrate, I can’t be arsed doing things I know I should do (like clean the house), I feel useless at everything.  I nearly lost it at football (soccer) training last night because I felt like the worst player on the team.  I’ve never been a superstar player but I generally considered myself reasonable at it.  Everything just feels a bit pointless at the moment and like I have to wade through a sea of sludge just be normal.  I keep asking myself if I’m depressed, I mean, I’m experiencing some of the classic symptoms, only I don’t know if I can honestly say I am.  I’m still functioning, I can still laugh, and last week I was feeling pretty good so maybe this is just a temporary slump.  It just feels more and more like I’m putting on an act for everyone else, like I paint my face with a smiling mask to hide what’s going on beneath.  It’s hard to keep going even when I’m feeling positive, and the thought of continuing this endless cycle for the rest of my life is really starting to scare and horrify me.  Things have never been so uncertain and I’ve never wanted anything so much.

The thought that there are people around me who don’t want kids and ‘accidentally’ fall pregnant upsets me so much I can hardly breathe.  Another one announced at work today.  I don’t understand how it can happen to them and not me.  What have I done to be punished so badly, and believe me it IS a punishment.  Was it because I was a shit of a kid at 12, or horrible to a friend as a teenager?  The trouble is I can’t think of anything I’ve done that warrants such a penalty.  Sure I’m not a saint, but on the whole I think I’m a good person.  So why this?  I feel like I’m standing still while life races on around me, stuck in time not knowing the next step.  Will life stop here?  Is this it?  I’ve tried so hard to do things I enjoy to pass the time but it only feels like I’m filling gaps and never come close to having enough filler.  The fact that others have managed to get pregnant, have their baby, have a year off on maternity leave and now be back at work, all in the time we’ve been trying to conceive just blows my mind.  I honestly don’t know what to do but I know with all certainty, I can’t go on like this.

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4 responses to ““Buried yet I’m still alive”

  • Kitten

    I wish I could wave a wand and make it all better for you. Or, better yet, wave a wand and make us all pregnant. 🙂 I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, because I don’t, but I can tell you that I have been in what feels like the deepest, longest funk of my life more than once, and I’ve come out of it every time. You will, too. I hope that writing it all out helps a bit.

  • newtoivf

    know just how you feel about feeling ‘stuck’ in life. Can’t get on with doing what you want (ie having a baby) can’t get on with anything else! what can I say… IF sucks! x

  • A Morning Grouch

    😦 It’s not a punishment. It’s dumb fucking luck. The receptionists/nurses (even doctors) mean well, I’m sure but definitely DO NOT know what to say all the time! You’d think they would, given their jobs…but no. It’s good to work on positivity, but you can’t sustain it every second. Self-preservation in the form of avoiding preggos sometimes is okay.

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