Inside out and upside down

This infertility journey really is a rollercoaster.  For the first time I’m actually looking forward to AF coming.  In fact, I’ve never been so excited about spotting in all my life.  It truly is a strange concept being excited about your period.  I dreaded it as a teenager, did all I could to prevent it in my 20’s, was heart-broken by it in my early 30’s, and now I’m eagerly awaiting it.  Go figure.  I guess this hope of a miracle-cure IVF really does trump all that went before.  Fingers crossed it works or the crash after so much excitement could be a deal-breaker.  Ok, it won’t be a deal-breaker, I’m not giving up that easily, but I would really like to be able to function like a human being in 6 weeks’ time instead of a blubbering wreck.  As far as IVF goes I’m feeling pretty good.  I’m not too nervous about sticking needles in myself – I’ve been getting acupuncture for well over a year now and I’ve had countless blood tests so needles don’t bother me a bit….might be a little different sticking them in yourself though but I guess only time will tell.

It feels quite weird to be this far along when only a month ago we were trying Clomiphene.  It still seems like quite a jump, although I’ve definitely got my head around it.  What’s even more insane is that I’m now the person that others ask questions of!  When we began our journey nearly 25 months ago I had no clue.  I was asking all my friends what I should be taking, about charting temperatures, ovulation tests etc. and now I’ve travelled further down the path of infertility than anyone I know (other than my online IF buddies of course).  I’m not only the one newbies come to to ask for advice, but I’m also educating my fertile friends about various fertility treatments.  Things that once felt so foreign to me are now second nature, forever etched into my being.  It actually seems odd that, whether through good fortune or bad, one day my life won’t revolve around this.   One day I’ll either have a baby in my arms or will be past the point of viable motherhood.  I’ll never stop talking about infertility, it’s still too much of a taboo subject for that, but the fact that one day I may not be living it day in and day out really messes with my head.  It just seems so bizarre something that has completely taken over my life will one day cease to exist, and that the path it takes to extinction is completely beyond my control.

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