Another fork in the road

It’s once again been a while since I’ve written.  It’s definitely harder to sit down and blog when you feel pretty much human and want to get out and do things.  I honestly feel like taking the plunge and starting on Citalopram was one of the best things I’ve ever done.  You truly don’t know what you’ve been missing until you’re not missing it any more.

So what’s been going on since I last wrote?  Well, we had our WTF appointment with our fertility specialist.  Basically they’re stumped as to why IVF number one didn’t work.  My eggs, other than some being immature, were fine.  My husband’s swimmers were fine.  Our fertilised eggs were not ideal and just didn’t work.  No explanation.  For two people who are in good health and show no abnormalities on any tests there is just nothing to say.  Bad luck I guess.  So the options are these:

1)      Keep trying naturally and hope for the best.  My doc seems to think that the removal of endo back in November put us back to month one and we would now have a pretty good chance of conceiving.  Unfortunately I don’t believe him.  Let’s just pretend November/December was month one, instead of month 20, then that means we’d now have been trying 10 months which have included some high monitored cycles – 4 of Clomiphene and 1 IVF.  Surely if we were going to conceive without further help (e.g. IVF) it would have happened by now right?  Seems we’re thoroughly infertile when we go it alone.

2)      Start another round of IVF.  We’re still a couple of years off funding as our unexplainable IVF fail didn’t give us any help in the funding stakes, so we’re looking at another self-funded treatment.  Eek.

It’s a no-brainer for me though.  I feel like we have next to no chance naturally and intervention is the only way forward.  The plan is different for the next round as we need to try and mature as many eggs as possible.  Long protocol IVF it is.  This means at the beginning of my next period I start back on the contraceptive pill and not long after that, start injections to stop me ovulating.  Seems counterintuitive I know to be taking something that stops you getting pregnant when pregnancy is the result you are aiming for.  I guess we just have to trust that the experts know what they’re doing, they’ve done this a squillion times before!  After 3 weeks on the pill I stop that, wait a week then start the same IVF drugs I took last time, on a slightly higher dose, and cross my fingers.

So we need to come up with another ten grand.  Yikes.  We told the doc we’d start on my next period and would push hard to raise the funds.  We can always borrow some money if we end up needing to.  I left feeling excited that we had a new plan and we had a timeline.  I’d gotten to the point where I didn’t expect us to get pregnant so if we did it was a bonus.  I wouldn’t say I had a lack of hope just a lack of expectation.  Or perhaps no hope but not hopeless if that makes sense.  We were looking at a late August start, but then plans changed.

On a visit to my acupuncturist about a week before my period was due, excitement began to fill the room.  My energy was well up.  I thought nothing of it until I went to leave.  She started giving me instructions, don’t do anything too strenuous, make sure you rest.  Her words were “don’t get your hopes up but this could potentially be the time.  Your energy is very different, very good, and I haven’t said that in the entire time you’ve been coming.  If this isn’t it it should be in the next 2 or 3 months”.  Argh!  Tailspin!  What do I do?!?  I’ve never seen her so excited before, could she be right?  I’d gone into acupuncture a bit of a sceptic and while I’ve definitely noticed changes in my body and I now believe in it as a treatment, do I believe in it that much that I would delay IVF?  My hubby and I debated and debated for a few days and never really reached a decision on what to do.  I was sitting on the fence, he wanted to wait.  In the end we thought we’d see how the month went then make a call.  We were delaying a month or two but no more.  I don’t want to be doing IVF through Christmas and I don’t want a result just before Christmas just in case it’s not the result we want. So now it’s fingers crossed and away we go!

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