Monthly Archives: October 2013

Through the looking glass

Tomorrow marks two and half years of searching for Bumble.  What feels like a lifetime looks like nothing at all when written on a page.  Two and half years, roughly the gap between my younger brother and I. Two and a half years, a year less than the short time it took me to get a university degree.  Two and a half years, a third of the time I’ve been at my current place of employment.  It seems like nothing but it feels like forever.  The good thing about hitting this milestone is that I no longer have any expectations, I don’t really think (other than the occasional pang of unrealistic hope) that I’ll get pregnant.  I know it’s possible but it no longer seems like a definite and therefore I have no anticipation.  That certainly makes it easier dealing with the negative result month after month.  Of course it’s still disappointing but my hopes are only a fraction of what they once were so it’s a shorter distance to fall.  On the other hand, while the disappointment may be easier to handle, this acceptance opens up a whole raft of other issues by making me doubt and question myself.

Part of this questioning process has been a good thing, and part not so much.  I have started interrogating myself as to whether I truly want kids or is it just the happy family dream I’m fooling myself with.  Do I really want children or do I just think I do because that’s what many of my friends are doing?  It’s come up more and more lately, especially now that I’m feeling more like my old self and am beginning to enjoy life again.  Could I live with this being ‘it’ for the next 50 years?  The puzzle has played around and around in my head, chopping and changing to some degree or another, but I think it always boils down to the same thing.  Yes, I enjoy my life right now, I love my sleep-ins and my going out for dinner, and being able to do something at the drop of a hat, I could live like this for the rest of my days but in all honesty I would trade all that in in a heartbeat to be able to have a child.  I know this is the right answer, it’s continuously reinforced for me with the stab of pain that cuts through my body every time I see a woman pregnant, or a family with young kids.  This is what I want.  And let’s face it, I wouldn’t have to give up everything, not forever anyway.  I know many of my friends still manage a life somewhat resembling their pre-child one, you just have to make adjustments.  I’m not saying it’s easy by any means, just that it’s possible.

The other part of this soul-searching and self-doubt that seems to have appeared lately is the lack of faith in my ability to be the me I was before.  This is the not-so-good side of the coin.  I find it hard to engage in conversation, and having to talk to people I don’t know so well freaks me out, sometimes to the point of full-on anxiety.  It’s like I’ve regressed back into the shy pre-teen/early teenager who feels awkward and out of place.  My life has for so long revolved around this journey and hiding myself away from the world that reemerging from the chrysalis leaves me feeling new and vulnerable.  I don’t know what to talk about or how to be ‘normal’.  I’m always waiting for ‘those questions’, which of course I’m happy to answer as that’s about all I can talk about any more, but that wouldn’t be normal either.  I guess it’ll be a slow process and I just need to take baby steps back to sociability.  Trouble is I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to fit in and be liked.  I’ve spent too much of my life feeling like a nobody, being picked on as geeky, or not the same as everyone else.  Until my late teens I never really had that solid group of friends so I’m always feeling like people will judge me and turn away.  It’s that feeling that makes me so desperately want to be ‘normal’, trouble is I don’t know how to be that anymore.

Two and half years ago I was full of hope and expectation.  I went out, I had fun, I conversed, and I fitted in.  Two and half years of failing, of feeling like an outcast, of guilt and shame and doubt, and I’m a different me.  I’m a me with the same dreams but I’m a me who’s been broken and is mending. I’m a me slowly trying to reengage with the world wishing things were different.  But at least I know I still want kids.

“All my life
I’ve been fighting a war
I can’t talk to you or your friends
It’s not only you
My heart jumps around when I’m alluded to
This will not do

‘Cause I was raised up
To be admired, to be noticed
But when you’re withdrawn
It’s the closest thing to assault
When all eyes are on you
This will not do

I’m faking glory
Lick my lips, toss my hair
And turn the smile on
And the story’s brand new
But I can take it from here
I’ll find my own bravado”

– Lorde



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