“Try to swim to stay afloat”

I was planning on writing a blog post on giving up because that’s what I feel like doing right now.  I thought that last month could’ve been the month.  Again! Why do I do this to myself – I get myself into a good place full of acceptance and ready for wherever the battle takes us, and then I have a random cycle that throws a spanner in my works and makes me believe that this could be possible “naturally”, only to succumb to disappointment when the spotting shows up.  This month we timed things perfectly, then a few days post-ovulation my boobs got sore and I had random cramps but alas, it wasn’t to be, the spotting began and my body lets us down again.  I guess I need to pin my hopes on IVF #2, although I’m also wary of pinning any hopes on that as my body seems determined to have its own way no matter the cost.  Anyway, this isn’t a post on giving up, not any more.

The thing that changed my mind on what I would write about came about from a comment on this blog.  I love reading comments, I not only love to hear other peoples perspective on what I write but it also reminds me that I’m not alone in this, that people actually read my blog, that there are so many others out there like me and they are all so lovely and supportive.  The comment just happened to be so perfectly timed and succinctly worded that it reminded me I have to keep going.

The last couple of weeks have been particularly testing for me.  So many pregnancy announcements, new babies bought into work to visit, photos of the kids online.  It’s hard.  I like to think that I’ve coped pretty well.  I’ve congratulated whole-heartedly, I’ve cuddled babies so small they could drop through your arms, and I’ve commented on pictures online….and for the most part I have actually been really happy for everyone (especially you B).  But there have been moments where my confidence has wavered, where I’ve struggled to hold back the tears or the heartache and I haven’t really known what to do.  Until I remember the comment, and my resolve is restored.

I know there are a few people out there reading this blog who are in the same situation as me.  These are some of the strongest people you would ever meet but if you told them this I bet it would take the majority of them by surprise.  I’ve had a couple of people tell me over the last few years that I’m strong and I’ve never really believed them.  I certainly don’t feel strong, you just do what you have to do to survive, to open your eyes in the morning, put one foot in front of the other, and to make your way through life.  So this particular comment told me I was strong. To have this come from a virtual stranger (we read each other’s blogs but have never met) blew me away.  They also mentioned that I “provide so much support for other women”….which made me cry.  Hehehe, real strong huh!

As I’ve already mentioned in previous posts, I primarily started this blog for me, as a way to capture the process and as an outlet for my emotions.  I’ve also said that if writing this could help just one other person work their way through this hell then it would be an added bonus.  So to have someone state that my ramblings provide support to someone other than myself makes me feel so overwhelmed I can’t do anything else but cry.  I am amazed, and truly, truly grateful.  This one little sentence, and the fact that someone I barely know took the time out of their day to write it to me, gives me a massive reason to keep moving forward.  It gives me hope, and it gives me a great sense of camaraderie.  We’re all in this together, regardless of the outcomes, and we’ll help keep each other afloat.

So this isn’t a post on giving up, because we all know I won’t do that, no matter how much I may feel like it right now.  It’s a post about swimming, and about throwing the life-saver to anyone out there getting too tired to doggy-paddle.

(Sorry, I know I was supposed to ‘Sunshine Award’ from the comment but I’m hopeless)

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2 responses to ““Try to swim to stay afloat”

  • newtoivf

    This is such a beautiful post. I’m so pleased you’ve found some positivity….I often think of you and am glad you’re feeling a bit better.
    And as for that sneaky hope… she can be a Bitch but what would we do without her?! Xx

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