And here we are, our ‘what the f**k’ appointment number two.  We know we’re not here for a good time.  A second IVF fail with the same outcome from a different combination of drugs can only mean one thing, my eggs are crap.  We’ve already mourned the loss of a biological baby for both of us and have talked through the option of using donor eggs, and of course continuing down the adoption path.  We’re prepared for this.

In we go and there are no surprises.  Although we’ve missed the round table discussion on our case due to there being no meeting of the reproductive specialists this week, our doc has done a quick run round of all the others that are there and they’re all in agreement.  Our best option is donor eggs.  I always find it odd going in for meeting with our specialist, especially these last two WTF appointments.  He does his best to cushion the blow and seems constantly surprised that we’re not crying, and are in fact laughing at some stage in most appointments.  We’re just not the type of people to hold onto the negative, at least we try not to.  We have our meltdowns then try to focus on the positive, on the future.  He’s there explaining why they think this has happened and how the donor egg process works and we’re there going “yes yes yes, we’ve worked through this, just tell us when we can start and what the first step is.”

Our doc talks us through a basic overview of the process, that we can proceed with either a known donor (i.e. asking one of our friends or family) or with someone we don’t know – usually procured through advertising.  He signs us up for public funding and has a long whinge about the drama currently unfolding with the District Health Board – how they don’t feel that continuity of care is important and feel that clinics shouldn’t help people like us find donors.  It quickly becomes blindingly clear that the DHB are clueless, and the people making the decisions have never walked this path.  Our doc tells us that every meeting they have with the DHB is held with a different set of people, all with very different ideas to the last group…..and people wonder why healthcare in this country is fucked.

So after all the talking it turns out our first step is to meet with one of the counsellors to talk through the stages you go through and all the issues and feelings that can arise with a donor egg cycle.  I’m wary of this as my last meeting with one of the counsellors there was a complete waste of time and money, but if this is the way we need to start then let’s get into it.  We book in for an appointment in February with the counsellor I DIDN’T see last time.  I hope she’s better value than the last one!  It will be interesting to see what she says, and see if some of the things M and I have spoken about come up in the session.

I’ve already worked through one thing that seems an obvious mental hurdle with donor eggs – that I won’t feel like the child’s mother.  It had me upset for a while, the thought that when our son or daughter (should we be lucky enough to have one or the other) gets to that ‘I hate my parents’ stage they can bust out the “your not the boss of me, you’re not even my mother” and biologically they’d be right.

Not one to leave a problem unsolved, I toiled and teared-up over this for a day or so until I remembered reading something amongst the adoption paraphernalia. It stated that the person who gives birth to the child is legally the child’s mother until measures are taken to change this.  That was enough to put an end to my torment, if I could give birth to a child, I was the child’s mother.   One down out of a seemingly endless array of possible obstacles.  I’m sure we can get through any of them but my biggest fear will still remain, what if it doesn’t work….


3 responses to “WTF?!?

  • A Morning Grouch

    wow. big news. so much to process. thinking of you.

  • Lauren

    I know it’s a lot to take in, but once the dust has settled you won’t look back. I’m slightly further along in the DEIVF journey than you are — please feel free to email me with any questions you have. In the meantime, check out my DEIVF Resources — right at the top I put the explanation of why we, as Intended Mothers to a donor-conceived baby, are the biological mothers. It really soothed my heart and calmed my mind, and helped me to grieve the loss of my genetic children and embrace my biological children. Big hugs x

  • NotSoNewtoIVF

    I’m really pleased you’re moving onwards and upwards, wishing so much 2014 is a great year for you xx

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