So long stinktown.

I think 2013 may have finally broken me; I’m exhausted and limping to the finish line.  My heart is broken, my eyes are raw and it’s taking every ounce of energy I have to put on a brave face and carry on.  It seems 2013 has wrecked havoc in nearly every area of my life, I won’t give in though, that’s not who I am.  I’m a lover not a fighter but at the same time I’m a fighter not a failure.

It’s hard being back here in the same place where a year ago I carried so much hope.  It’s supposed to be a lovely summer holiday but all I can think about is how we’re still stuck in the same phase we were in a year ago and how all we’ve gained from the last year is a greatly depleted bank account and broken hearts. Once again life has carried on around us while we’ve been left on pause, and at this point it doesn’t feel like 2014 will have any more to offer except more of the same.  I hate living like this and yet I have no other option.  Until we’ve pursued every possible avenue open to us, I can’t give up.  Until giving up becomes a reality I have nothing else.

2013 has seen many of my friends fall pregnant, have babies, plan parenthood and have it all fall neatly into place.  Others have not had it quite so lucky and yet I have faith that their silver lining is right around the corner.  If only I could have faith that ours was right there beside them.  Only I don’t.  As much as I try my hardest to look to a brighter future, and have no difficulty at all in dismissing our failures to focus on the next step, I can’t help but feel that it is all in vain.  There’s an underlying current that makes me feel this one dream won’t eventuate.  I greatly hope that reality proves me wrong, but I’m not the first to say reality destroys our dreams.

Still, regardless of how down and despondent I feel I know it’s only temporary.  I feel like this will last forever yet I know it’s only a fleeting moment in time.  One way or another this will end.  Tomorrow will bring a brighter day, and so often it does.  While one day will bring despair, the next will allow a ray of hope to light the day.  A bit of sunshine, something to laugh about, time with good friends, a flower blossoming on the side of the road.  I’ve learned that if I look for a tiny bit of good then things don’t seem quite so bad.  So while 2013 has left me maimed, it will never truly break me.  It can’t, because I won’t let it.  Happiness is a choice, and I choose to be happy.

So long 2013, you’ve been complete arse.  Let’s hope 2014 brings something better.


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