In the market

So we’ve been doing a bit of research into donor egg IVF and it seems the difference in process between countries is immense.  From what I can tell the USA is the only country that pays people to donate eggs, many other countries allow the use of donor eggs in an IVF cycle but without payment (you ask a friend or advertise for a donor), and a few  (such as Italy) don’t allow donor eggs at all…how horrific that must be for many Italian women!

While we haven’t been for our compulsory counseling session or follow up appointment yet, and therefore have only a small idea of how long donor egg IVF (DEIVF) will take in NZ, we’ve already started looking at the USA as a possibility for a donor egg cycle.  While this is likely to cost us approximately 3 times what a domestic cycle would cost us we would most probably be able to commence a cycle much sooner than if we were to wait for a donor in NZ.  And all this waiting is really getting to me, you need the patience of a saint to be an infertile!  It’s amazing the number of donors you have to choose from in the States!  It’s pretty much like logging on to an online shopping network and browsing the aisles.  You can find anything on there and the amount of detail you’re provided with just blows my mind.  I think ideally, we’d like a domestic donor but it’s nice to know there’s another option out there.

The donor issue is just so difficult to deal with.  We’ve largely tackled the grief of losing our genetic child and, other than the odd pang, are ok with this.  Now we worry about who the donor will be and whether we’ll find one at all.  We’d love for the donor to be someone we know – we’d then know we like the donor’s personality traits, there’d be less ambiguity and risk, and most importantly our child could have some kind of relationship with the donor.  We plan to be very upfront and honest, with both with our child and with those around us, about how our child came to be.  The hard part about wanting someone we know is that they’re either too old (you have to be mid-30’s or younger to be a donor) or we’d feel weird about asking them, worried that it would change our relationship for the worse, worried that they’d feel uncomfortable or obligated to say yes.

The other difficult thing about the whole DEIVF (and adoption) piece is just how challenging it is to proceed with and how judgmental people can be about it.  Any old drug addict can have (and often keep and/or abuse) a baby yet a couple like us who would do anything for a child, and love it unconditionally, have to jump through a hundred and one hoops just to get a foot in the door.  It seems so simple in the States, you decide to go down the DEIVF route, you select your donor from the list and away you go.  In New Zealand it’s quite different.  I found this article, written by my specialist, quite an interesting read:

http://www.ohbaby.co.nz/pregnancy/conception/the-gift-of-hope/

This section

At the time the Human Assisted Reproductive Technology (HART) Act was passed here, a decision was made by our Parliament to use only non-commercial donors. The effect is to both limit the available pool of potential donors, and to lower the chance of success, given the relatively older age of most New Zealand donors.

has the dual effect of getting me riled up and making me want to cry.  The idea that our government can think that this is a great outcome fills me with horror at the collective mindset of the people leading our country.  NOBODY goes through this by choice.  This process is so emotionally challenging and financially crippling that only those who truly want to love and nurture a child would go through it.  It’s not the kind of thing you do for fun.  So why do you want to punish those who would do good things for the future of the country?  I can understand the reasoning behind not wanting to commercialise the donor egg industry but I also understand the hurt at just how hard it is being on the other side and so desperately wanting an egg just to have a chance at what comes so easily for the majority of the population.

So what does this mean for us.  Well, I think we’ll probably give domestic DEIVF a go, hope we find a suitable donor, and if it doesn’t work out (yet another IVF fail) we’ll look to raise the funds needed to get us to the States and try again that way.  Keep on truckin’.

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5 responses to “In the market

  • Lauren

    Yes, here in the States it is relatively straightforward — I can’t imagine having to advertise for a donor! Sheesh, there’s enough crap and emotional turmoil to deal with without all that added bother. Interestingly enough, at the recent PVED there was a woman who ended up advertising for a donor on Craigslist because she couldn’t find someone she like through the traditional means. She got a lot of crazy responses, but found her donor that way. I know it can be done, and I wish you all the luck in the world!

    Your comrade,

    Lauren xx

  • nzchick15

    Hi, I’ve just discovered the world of blogging and feel comforted that there are others going thru our dilemmas in life. I’m also from nz and have been told we need to look at donor eggs if we want a successful pregnancy. Thanks for sharing your story.. I look forward to reading more posts.

    • waitingforbumble

      Hi. I’ve just read your story and it’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If it makes any difference I initially felt the same way about donor eggs but the second we had fertilised embryos those ‘babies’ felt like mine. Our boys are now 2 weeks old and despite not carrying my genes they are most definitely my children, I even see things of myself in them….there is of course the whole epigenetics argument too.
      Anyway, I’m here if you ever need to chat. More than happy to give you my email address or meet up if we’re in the same area.

      • nzchick15

        Wow big congrats to you both. It’s very encouraging to hear this. I would love to make further contact with you as I’m struggling to find information on the internet regarding going down your path to parenthood. We are in wgt, Thanks so much for replying..

      • waitingforbumble

        Thanks!
        I’m just trying to work out how to get my email address to you without publishing it on here as it’s our private family address. Are you on Twitter at all? Not only could direct message you through there but I also found it a fantastic support network of people going through the same thing….I can ‘introduce’ you to some other people if you’re on there.

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