The workings of my brain

Let me try and give you some insight into how the infertile mind works, or at least how my infertile mind works.  Infertility sucks your soul.  Any confidence you may have once had (and I can’t say I had a lot to begin with) is sapped from you as your body lets you down again and again every step of the way.  As your body fails your mind begins to falter too.  “What’s wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this?  Why am I not normal like everyone else?” You begin to question everything about your life.  It feels like nothing ever goes right.  You pull away from friends and wonder why they still want to be friends with you.  You don’t feel like you fit in…..anywhere.  You don’t fit in with the fertile crowd – everyone you know has children.  You don’t fit in with the childless by choice – they chose this life while you were forced into it.  Half the time you don’t even fit in with the other infertiles – we all have different problems and a great many go on to have children which makes you feel left out even more.  You don’t understand the workings of people any more, you can’t function in social situations, you don’t know how to be happy.  You plaster on a smile and pretend everything’s ok.  You don’t expect anything to go right, you end up just not expecting anything.  So when someone says “I’ll be your egg donor” it’s on par with winning the lottery, only better, it feels like a dream and you can’t quite believe it’s real.  Could something actually be going right for once?!?  Do people actually care that much?  Are people really that generous?  We still cry but this time it’s tears of happiness rather than tears of despair, and we let that little bitch hope sneak back into our lives once more.  Things might work out, and they might not, but just knowing the offer is there is enough to brighten my day.

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