The Sword Master

I’ve been pottering away in my pursuit of happiness and by most standards doing pretty well.  I have to say the last couple of days have been a bit of a struggle though.  We’re away on holiday at the beach and while there’s a lot of time spent off doing activities, there’s also a lot of time to sit around and think, and thinking’s dangerous.  Add into that more Facebook pregnancies/babies (knives to the gut) and it becomes a sea of treachery navigated only by a few wobbly stones to stand on.

So after 2 and a half weeks of feeling good about life I’ve had a couple of tough days.  The trick now I think is not to allow myself to wallow in this feeling, to stop the empty hollow pit of despair & loneliness in my stomach from washing over me in entirety to undo all the good progress I’ve made over the last 17 days.  The key to this is to focus on the good, discard the bad, and begin to heal the wounds that the jealousy of others fortune has had on my heart.

But how?  Well, I’ve been continuing with my 100 Happy Days project and at day 17 am having no trouble finding things to photograph.  I’ve also continued my attempts to change my thinking.  Reframing the negative to focus on the positive, to concentrate on what is going right in my life, and the affirmative “what-ifs”.  I’m focusing on the future not the here-and-now, and not the been-and-done.  We’ve got a new deck on our house and have been busy with the finishing touches on that, we’ve ordered my long awaited (five & a half years) wardrobes so I can finally get rid of all the clutter dotted around our house, and I have to say it also helps that work has been busy and I’ve felt like I’ve been making a difference in that realm of my life.  I’ve even made it to the point now where I’m looking forward to hanging out with friends again.

On top of all that we’ve got our first compulsory counselling session to look forward to in a couple of weeks, the first step in taking the plunge into the world of Donor Egg IVF.  I’m a bit nervous about it as the two counselling sessions I’ve had in this infertility process have both been a complete waste of my time.  After seeing two different counsellors, at two different clinics, I’ve started to lose my faith in talking to ‘experts’.  I didn’t connect with either of them and both felt like they weren’t at all interested in our situation or helping me get through it, they either just wanted to feel good about themselves or were in it for the money.  However whatever the outcome it surely can’t be worse than what’s already been so I’m choosing to think it will positive experience regardless of whether I get a lot out of it or not.

So it seems that despite a hard few days with far too much thinking, by focusing on the positive I think I’ve managed to pull myself through.  I’ve successfully pulled the sword from my gut and left it to hang precariously above my head once again.  I know I can beat it should it begin to fall, I’ve become the sword master.


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