Riding the rollercoaster

It’s official.  I am an evil person.  A girl at work is pregnant and I can’t handle it.  It’s an unannounced pregnancy but I worked out she was (because I’m a crazy infertile who has an obsession with these things) and it has been confirmed by a third party.  Anywho, she’s one of those people who you can’t imagine has a flaw – she’s absolutely gorgeous, she has a good job, recently got married, and is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet.  She’s fabulous.  We’ve always got on well, but now that I know she’s pregnant I can hardly look at her.  Even worse she doesn’t know why so I will just seem like the ultimate bitch.  Every time I open my mouth to say “hi” I can feel my voice start to break, the tears well up, and I get overwhelmed with the unfairness of it all.  I mean she only got married 5 minutes ago!  Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t wish her to be un-pregnant, and I wouldn’t wish fertility struggles on anyone let alone anyone as lovely as this woman, I just hurt so much at the fact that things aren’t easy for us, and the fact that I may never be a mum.

I know things are on a roll on the donor egg IVF front, and I’m so grateful for that, but at the moment I’m battling so hard with the feelings of redundantness that it’s a bit of a struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  As I’ve mentioned before, a lovely friend has offered to be our egg donor, and it’s sooo amazing.  I just feel so useless at the moment as there’s nothing at all I can do to expedite the process, I just have to sit back and wait while someone else (hopefully) makes our baby.  This is what I think of as the bottom of the rollercoaster, the low point, the drop from a great height.

Our donor has received her information and testing forms from our clinic and will start everything rolling in a few weeks time.  First, blood tests to check for cystic fibrosis, infections such as hepatitis/HIV/syphilis, and to test her AMH level to make sure she should have enough eggs.  If all that comes back normal then the doctors and counsellors visits begin, before another infection test for her and one for her husband.  Hubby and I will also have counselling appointments (and perhaps one with all four of us), as well as infection testing a month out from cycle.  It seems like a lifetime away at the moment, although I know it’s not far, so in the meantime I’m left with the task of curing my feelings of uselessness, and righting my views of the world.

I’ve got to a point where most of the time I’m fine with being around pregnant women and toddlers (although as mentioned at the start of this post, it’s still hard when it’s people I know), so I just need to rid myself of the blame and resentment of not being able to make my own baby.  I’ve been compiling a pros and cons list in my head to help with this and so far the donor list is far outweighing the own-eggs list, which is a good thing.  My list so far looks something like this:

Pros for our DEIVF cycle Cons for our DEIVF cycle
  • It’s less likely our child will be shy like me.
  • He/she won’t inherit my unruly, ‘looks like it hasn’t been brushed’ hair.
  • They’re less likely to have dodgy eyesight
  • Our child is more likely to have dimples (which I love).
  • Our child will be more likely to be confident
  • They won’t inherit my poor circulation, hyperhidrosis, or constantly feeling cold.
  • They probably won’t be as fiery as me
  • They’re less likely to have depressive tendencies/lack of confidence in self.
  • They will inherit traits of my hubs and my friend who are both gorgeous people inside and out.
  • Our child won’t inherit my shoulders (my favourite bit of my body).
  • We’ll never know who would’ve won the argument on who our child will look like & what features they’ll have (hubs wanted them to have my eyes, I wanted them to have his etc.).
  • My genetic line stops here…this could of course be considered a pro too I guess but I find it sad all the same.

The more I think about it the more I realise how similar my donor and I are, and I am truly truly grateful that we not only have someone generous enough to offer this gift but also, should we be lucky enough to have a child from this process, that they won’t be all that dissimilar to me regardless of having no genetic connection.  And here we are at the top of the rollercoaster again, feeling happy and lucky and blessed (in a non-religious way).

As a side attraction to this fairground ride, I received a phone call from Child, Youth & Family (the government agency that handles adoption in New Zealand) to say they’d received our adoption application and were sending feedback forms to our referees to gather their opinions of us and our potential ability to be parents.  It’s exciting that things are progressing on that front as well, so if the DEIVF ride breaks down or it put out of commission, all is not lost.  Now to work out how to stay at the top of this rollercoaster……

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6 responses to “Riding the rollercoaster

  • spiritbabycomehome

    I’m so sorry you are hurting and will (understandably) find it hard to bd yourself around your colleague.

    Did you know that if you’re gestating the little one(s), they may well end up inheriting some of your behavioural characteristics? Or so says the field of epigenetics. I think it could be good if your baby/ies inherit a little of your fiery side! 😉

    Wishing you peace and all the luck in the coming months – both on the DEIVF and adoption fronts.

  • Lauren

    I understand these feelings oh-so-well. I encourage you to explore them fully, especially the ones about your genetic loss. It is a very real loss, akin to the death of a family member or close friend, say infertility therapists.

    You may not believe me when I tell you that the more real the DEIVF cycle gets, the less you will care about physical traits. The really important stuff — personality, sense of humour, the things we will all be remembered for — are not genetically inherited.

    Right now, everything feels a long way off. I know. But before you know it, you will be in cycle, marvelling at where all that time went. In the meantime, focus on preparing your body for pregnancy. Ditto for hubby, as improving his diet and lifestyle can improve his sperm quality. Having things you can do *now* help pass the time.

    I am sooooo excited for you! (And I think it’s so great that you have the parallel track of adoption too!) This is going to work out! You will be a mama yet — it may not be in the time frame or the way you wanted, but you will be a mama.

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