Ok, I thought I’d just better expand on my post from yesterday as, reading back through it, it seems a little negative towards “preggos” and the DEIVF journey.  99% of the time I’m fine.  I can deal with preggos, toddlers, kids.  99% of the time I’m really excited about DEIVF, and can’t wait to get started.  There’s just the odd little moment (or day) where I rue what we cannot have, where I grieve the loss of a genetic child.

Most of the time I don’t think about the fact that my child and I won’t have a genetic connection, it just doesn’t worry me, regardless of whether we become parents through adoption or DEIVF.  The funny thing is that at the moment I have less of an issue with this lack of connection via adoption than I do with DEIVF.  The lack of a genetic connection with an adopted child doesn’t even factor on my radar of things to care about, I don’t think about it at all, it doesn’t hurt.  Yet the thought that our DEIVF child isn’t genetically mine (occasionally) triggers emotions of loss and sadness in me.

Investigating this more deeply, I think my conflict on the DEIVF front but not the adoption one stems from my value of equality.  With adoption, my husband and I are on even footing, neither of us are contributing to the genetic makeup of our child, it’s fair.  With DEIVF, I’m not pulling my weight but my husband is, it’s lop-sided, and lop-sided drives me nuts.  As an example, I’ve been with my husband nearly sixteen years now, and for the majority of that time (approx. 13 years) we contributed equally to the fiscal health of our relationship, regardless of the fact that for most of this time he’s earned significantly more than me.  I was always adamant that I would contribute the same amount to our account/bills/mortgage despite the fact that most months it would stretch me financially.  When we finally altered the way we contributed it took me ages (at least a year) to stop feeling guilty that I wasn’t pulling my weight.  I hate feeling like I owe people.  I guess this highlights another aspect to my struggle with completely accepting DEIVF.  I hate owing people yet I will owe our donor the world (regardless of whether she feels this way or not!).

I realise that with DEIVF I would be carrying the baby, delivering the baby, caring for him or her (that nurture is just as important as nature).  It’s just hard at this stage, especially after three years of trying to conceive and not achieving a single pregnancy, to believe that we could ever get to that point, so I find it hard to envisage that I could ever do my bit to contribute.  This is what I need to deal with.  I need to realise that I WILL do my piece eventually, and I think that once we get closer to cycle I will start to feel like I can offer more to the equation – and therefore care less about any genetic connection (thanks OnFecundThought!).

Deep down I know that I will love our child regardless of their genetic make-up, I know in the very core of me that genetics are irrelevant.  I know that whether our child is a mix of both of us, one of us, or neither of us, he or she will be the most important person in our lives and I will love them with every bit of my heart.  So I need to face to my superficial fears, and my inability to concede that lop-sided is ok.  I need to accept I need help, and focus on the 99%.  I need to, and will, make that 99% 100.

P.S.  If anyone has any tips on ways to work through this, I’m all ears.  I read somewhere that writing to the child that will never be helps so I might give that a go….but I’m open to suggestions….


3 responses to “99%

  • rosiedd78

    I have the same qualms as you do about equality. We thought maybe using a donor embryo might even things out, but then I read through this entire book written from the perspective of kids/now grown adults created by the use of donor gametes (it was mostly sperm, actually), and I felt like I wouldn’t be able to explain to a future child why they could have had a genetic connection to my husband (and genetic child), but we chose not to use his sperm. Cost? Equality in child creation? Oy, it’s all so delicate. I think if we really decided to pursue de/ivf, I would have to seek out a specialist counselor that could help sort through these very heavy ideas. Your concerns are real and normal – try not to add yet another layer of guilt on top of what you’ve already got going.

  • Kitten

    Oh, sweetie, I don’t have any tips for you, but wanted to let you know that everything you’re feeling and saying seems perfectly normal and reasonable to me. I can’t tell you how I would feel if I were in your position, but I imagine there would be some level of grieving and a bumpy road to acceptance.

  • redbluebird

    This is tough, and I’d say being 99% OK with everything is an amazing start. I think I’d feel similarly to you regarding adoption and donor eggs. I think I’d have to work through some jealousy if my husband had a “genetic” tie to our child but I didn’t. BUT, the fact that you will be carrying the child is huge. I think men sometimes (often?) feel like they are contributing less during pregnancy and infancy, which sometimes makes it harder for them to bond with the child until he/she is older. I think that, as the mother, you will feel an instant bond, and that your husband having the genetic link might actually help him bond early on more easily than other men. Maybe that’s nonsense, but it sounded good in my head 🙂
    Good luck with everything. No matter what, your child will be the most important person in the world to you, and you will be the most important person to him/her as well!

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