So here we are, my 34th birthday and three years ‘trying to conceive’. By everyone else’s standards I should be pregnant with, or just had my second child, but it seems we’re still stuck in time trying for our first. So how do I feel about it? To be honest I’m really not sure. I had thought I would be a devastated bawling wreck at this point but I kind of just feel nothing. Not numb exactly but perhaps resigned to the fact that this is our lot. Maybe it’s just that I’ve had a good week, a week where I’ve been happy and felt like a normal person. Not an entirely ecstatic week by any stretch of the imagination but just a normal plain old ordinary week of ups and downs and ‘normality’. And it feels good.
I think perhaps I’m truly starting to accept that my body is not capable of performing miracles, that there’s not going to be a surprise month where my body actually manages to produce a decent quality egg; and that we’re going to have to rely on someone else for our little miracle. It’s a hard thing to accept but I think I’m nearly there, the train left my station long ago (if it was ever there at all), and I’m finally fine with that.
So it’s my birthday. I had a lovely day at my favourite spa yesterday with my mum and some girlfriends – hot stone massages, a swim in the sunshine, followed by lunch and cocktails poolside. Absolute bliss. The day concluded with a fabulous dinner out with my in-laws and I’m pleased to say things are much much better on that front. All in all a fantastic day….which is just as well because today, my actual birthday, has been a bit lack-lustre. Fair enough, my birthday will more than likely always be bittersweet from now on – if you haven’t started thinking about kids yet a word of advice, don’t start trying on your birthday.
Anyway, I was all geared up for a nice relaxing day, I had lunch booked in with my dad, and had planned to see my mum in the evening but other than that was content to laze around home and relax. Which all would have been fine except my husband somehow managed to get out of the wrong side of the bed this morning and has been quiet and sullen all day. In fact, the only time I think he smiled was when he wanted my opinion on his latest project for work – yeah, thanks, I’d love to talk work on my birthday especially when I’ve taken time off, and I’m so glad that’s the only thing that’s going to make you happy today. Honestly, I don’t know why he bothered to take the day off in the first place, I would’ve been perfectly happy to potter around on my own today. Luckily for me lunch with my dad and step-mum was great, as was coffee with one of my best friends afterwards, and I’m sure seeing my mum, sister, and step-dad tonight will brighten the day some more.
I’m hoping it will because right now I’m feeling a bit miserable. Maybe it’s a near-subconscious sadness about Bumble, maybe I’m not quite as ready for acceptance as I thought, maybe it’s all the baby and pregnancy announcements dotted through my Facebook birthday messages, or maybe it’s nothing to do with any of that and it’s just the way the day’s panned out. Whatever it is I’ve gone and done it again – a post that initially started as one of hope and acceptance has turned into a negative whine but hey, there’s nothing like crying on your birthday is there.