I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while. I was hoping I could run it as another blog page tied into but separated from the main blog, only I couldn’t work out how to do it without restructuring the entire thing, so I’ll just settle for writing one of these posts occasionally and dispersing them through the blog (though if anyone has any tips for how to achieve a different blog stream within the same blog I’m all ears).
Music is a massive part of my life, in fact I just can’t imagine a life without caring about it, though I know there are people like that out there. I’m absolutely hopeless at knowing who sings what or what DJ’s have created which tracks but I know what I like and have music going a fair chunk of the time. A vast array of tunes have seen me through good times, bad times, crazy times, since I was young, so I figure it’s only fitting to include in this blog the tunes that have seen me through the last gut-wrenching 3 and a half years…..and there have been a fair few!
Sometimes it’s an entire track that resonates with me, sometimes it’s just one line in a whole song that speaks to my struggles, or makes me cry, makes me happy, or makes me feel alive again. Sometimes the song is about something entirely different but there’ll be one thing that just clicks and triggers an emotive response from me.
Music is a great healer. It can make you cry when you just need to get it all out, a release; it can brighten your mood in an instant, help you burn that extra energy bubbling below the surface, or make boring tasks more interesting. Who doesn’t love vacuuming the house to great track……and if you don’t listen to music while doing house-work you’re missing out!
So what tracks have seen me through the last few years? So so many. One of the main ones, the one I think of as my theme song for our infertility is Rudimental’s ‘Not Giving In’. This one is a regular on my playlist, I play it when life is going well, to emphasise that I’m doing great, but I also play it when I’m sad, after another devastating treatment failure, as a way to let go of my grief and as a reminder to keep going. I’ve bawled my eyes out so many times to that song that I couldn’t go to the Rudimental gig a few months ago for fear of totally losing it in public. But I absolutely love it. It’s both a trigger and empowering all in one track, and I think it will be one of the tracks that stays with us until we end this process, one way or another.
A couple of Broods songs are up there also, although these are slightly more recent additions to the list. ‘Never gonna change’ for those times you get stuck in the infertility vortex feeling like nothing’s going to change, or after yet another negative result when you run out of fight. “Pushing down on my shoulders, and emptying my lungs. In a moment I’m older, and in a moment you’ve won”. Then there’s ‘Coattails’ in which one single line jumped out and pulled me in, made me cry, and made me grateful all at the same time when we began the Donor Egg IVF process – “So we’ll ride the coattails to the finish line”. I can only hope that we will be riding our donor’s coattails to the ‘finish line’ in a few months time.
What else? Phoenix’s ‘If I ever feel better’ for the large amount of time you spend in a depressive state throughout this process…..there’s not much to say on this one, nearly the whole song details how I’ve felt through a large part of our journey, last year especially, where I struggled with some pretty dark days. Not long after Phoenix came Bastille’s ‘Pompeii’ (Monsieur Adi Remix) – “But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all, and if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like you’ve been here before”…..endless failures, countless pregnancy announcements by others….
Then another couple of tracks which prove that it doesn’t matter what the song is actually about, if there’s one little fragment that speaks to you they’ll go on the list. Ed Sheeran’s ‘The A Team’ – a particularly strange one for me because I’m not an Ed Sheeran fan at all – for the lines “Tried to swim and stay afloat” (me), and “It’s too cold outside for angels to fly” (down here to us where we’re so desperately waiting for one). And Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’ ‘Wing$’ for “I want to fly, can you take me far away? Give me a star to reach for, tell me what it takes, and I’ll go so high, I’ll go so high, my feet won’t touch the ground, just stitch my wings, and pull the strings, I bought these dreams, that all fall down”
Yes, I know those songs all seem like they’re a little bit depressing but to be honest there aren’t a lot of good times along this road and often you just don’t want to listen to happy tracks. There are some of course that are more upbeat but still resonate such as Netsky’s ‘Without you’ – “There’s no way that I could go through all the things I’m going through right now without you”, makes me glad my hubby’s around, even during the times when it feels like he doesn’t understand, I know he does and he’s there if I need him (and vice versa of course). And there are the tracks that don’t make me think about our journey at all and just make me want to dance like Bag Raiders ‘Shooting Stars’, Shapeshifter’s ‘Electric Dream’, Netsky’s ‘Come Alive’, and Daft Punks ‘Get Lucky’.
So there’s the first insight into my life through music over the last 3 and a half years, just a small sample of the squillions of tracks that keep me going. I could go on forever about music so tuned for the next instalment. In the meantime let’s raise a glass of non-alc to the sad tracks that make you feel better & the happy tracks that just make you want to dance!
P.S. I’m always keen for new tracks so feel free to let me know what keeps your wheels turning.
Links to all these tracks:
Rudimental, ‘Not Giving In’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9-Lwpgfd1E
Broods, ‘Never Gonna Change’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QrCFSJyabs
Broods, ‘Coattails’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_rNsodyWqPY
Phoenix, ‘If I ever feel better’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJp3kVelU3c
Bastille, ‘Pompeii’ (Monsieur Adi Remix) – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGzxF_qInPQ
Ed Sheeran, ‘The A Team’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UAWcs5H-qgQ
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis, ‘Wing$’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51tSQ10PedE
Netsky, ‘Without You’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rzx3OeoFHRE
Bag Raiders , ‘Shooting Stars’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q-S1U5w7fA
Shapeshifter, ‘Electric Dream’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ol80NVe2Jk
Netsky, ‘Come Alive’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0z7omu2UNVA
Daft Punk, ‘Get Lucky’ – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5EofwRzit0