What to write.

Three weeks since my last post and I’m still struggling with what to write. It’s weird. I’m normally quite a creative person but for some reason I just can’t get enthused about anything creative. I don’t feel like writing and I’ve got three pieces of art in three different mediums that I’ve been working on for ages and I just can’t work up the motivation to finish. It’s not like I’m depressed or anything, I have plenty of motivation for other things. I’ve been out with friends and family, have cleaned the house and car, been shopping…..I just can’t be creative. The ultimate in artist’s block?

I’ve certainly been making the most of not being pregnant or in cycle. A quick yum-cha lunch with some of the girls the other day turned into and all-afternoon/evening session involving cocktails and various other beverages, and just last week I booked tickets to the Bahamas. Yep that’s right, I’m off to the Bahamas baby! That may not seem like such a big deal for some people but from New Zealand that’s a heck of a long way to travel and is certainly not somewhere us Kiwi’s generally go.

My husband’s off there for work, for the second time this year. If our last IVF cycle had worked I’d be just over two months pregnant now and would not be going, but after the disappointment of another failed cycle we decided we’d put our lives on hold for too long and that I should make the most of this opportunity. So in 11 days I jump on a plane and head to the Northern Hemisphere. It’s a bit of a whirlwind tour. A day and a night in New York where we get to catch up with a good friend, 5 days in the Bahamas, then two days in LA, just in time to meet up with my brother-in-law for his birthday. Can’t wait!

I do of course feel guilty about taking this trip (oh the joys of infertility!). As previously mentioned we’ve looked our next options and investigated potentially heading to the USA for treatment. It’s looking like this is our best treatment option but one that comes with a hefty price tag. I feel bad that the money I’m spending on a short trip to the Bahamas should really be going into our savings to try and fund the $50k-$60k that treatment in the U.S. is going to cost us. And we’re even going to the States as part of this holiday – the irony of that is not lost on me.

Not only that but our gorgeous friends have started up a givealittle.co.nz account for us to try and help raise the money for our U.S. donor cycle. An amazing gesture that both rendered me speechless and made me cry, but one that intensifies my feelings of guilt in taking an unnecessary holiday. Our friends, most of whom already have children themselves, desperately want to help, want to give us a chance at the joy they have with their family but until now have never really known how. I guess if you’ve never experienced infertility it’s pretty hard to truly know how to assist someone who is living it (hell, half the time us infertiles don’t know how to do that!) but I can tell you right now that our friends have done a stellar job of helping us already. The support they’ve provided us for the last four years has been absolutely amazing, so much so I really don’t know what we would’ve done without them.

And that’s where the guilt begins. They’ve already stood by us for so long, have picked us up when we’ve been down, and have tolerated our inability to function like normal humans, like normal friends. They’ve done so much for us already I feel bad at them doing more. Not only that but they all have things of their own to pay for – mortgages, families – they shouldn’t be paying for ours too……and here I am taking a holiday. Guilt overload.

But I guess I just have to get over it right? I can’t refund my tickets, and our friend who set up the give-a-little wouldn’t take no for an answer (love you C!)…there’s nothing I can change so why am I feeling guilty?! I need to suck it up and enjoy my break. Plenty of time to stress about money, relationships, and USA treatment on my return. A much needed holiday, some relaxation time, then knuckle-down and save hard for another trip to the States. Yep, totally got this…..or do I?

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