It’s time I wrote another post about the music seeing me through this journey. I’m still churning through some of the tunes from my last music post but now I’ve got a few more pulling me through, lifting me up or making me cry, that release of pent up energy that one needs every so often. So what’s been added to the list now?
Well, I’ve been listening to a LOT of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I’ve been a Nick Cave fan since I was a teenager, I’d say coming on 20 years this year. We’d bought tickets to his gig in Auckland in December but ended up missing the concert due to our unexpected trip to the Bahamas. It would have been the first proper time I’d seen him, not counting 5-10 minutes at the Big Day Out somewhere around 1996, so I was a bit gutted we weren’t going, still it was the Bahamas! Anyway, since then my love of his tunes has been reinvigorated and I’ve been working my way through my old favourites as well as some newer ones that I’d never really listened to much before. And man did some of them seem so suddenly fitting for the shit we’ve been going through. I won’t go through them all, that could take hours, so here are the top three helping me along.
- Hallelujah. Mostly for the last little bit sung by Kate & Anna McGarrigle. “The tears are welling in my eyes again, I need twenty big buckets to catch them in, twenty pretty girls to carry them down, twenty deep holes to bury them in”. Pretty self-explanatory really, I’ve cried nearly every day for the last two weeks. What can I say, infertility is a bitch.
- O, Children. This is one of the songs I’d listened to a little before but not nearly as much as some of the other tracks. For some reason I kind of went off Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds a little around the time of this album, just a phase of my life, so never really paid as much attention as I could have. There are a few parts of this track that connect with me at the moment, even though the song has absolutely nothing to do with what we’re going through right now. “O Children, lift up your voice”, me wishing our potential children would ‘lift up their voice’ and appear for us, gracing our ears with their voices in reality. “Hey little train! Wait for me! I once was blind but now I see, have you left a seat for me? Is that such a stretch of the imagination?” That moment when you really know you want to have kids, wondering if I’ll ever join that not-so-exclusive-but-hard-for-me-to-get-into club of being a parent, is there a spot left in it for me? “I’m hanging in there don’t you see, in this process of elimination” Again, reasonably self-explanatory, what more can I say.
- Are you the one that I’ve been waiting for. This is the major one. We listened to this track (and the rest of the ‘Best of’ album) almost continuously during our three months in Italy as we only had about 4 albums with us at the time, and this was well before the days of smartphones and Spotify. So it’s always reminded us of happy times in Europe but now, listening to the lyrics again, I realise how fitting it is to our current road. As I listen to this I envisage our bubba and hope like hell that they are moving closer to us and will (figuratively) arrive on our doorstep soon.
“I’ve felt you coming girl, as you drew near
I knew you’d find me, cause I longed you here
Are you my destiny? Is this how you’ll appear?
Wrapped in a coat with tears in your eyes?
Well take that coat babe, and throw it on the floor
Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?
As you’ve been moving, surely toward me
My soul has comforted and assured me
That in time my heart it will reward me
And that all will be revealed
So I’ve sat and I’ve watched an ice-age thaw
Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?
Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built
Out of longing great wonders have been willed
They’re only little tears, darling, let them spill
And lay your head upon my shoulder
Outside my window the world has gone to war
Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?
O we will know… Won’t we?
The stars will explode in the sky
But they don’t… Do they?
Stars have their moment and then they die
There’s a man who spoke wonders though I’ve never met him
He said, “He who seeks finds and who knocks will be let in”
I think of you in motion and just how close you are getting
And how every little thing anticipates you
All down my veins my heart-strings call
Are you the one I’ve been waiting for?”
But it’s not all Nick Cave, there are other songs keeping me going too.
First there’s Peking Duk’s Take Me Over. Purely for the line “Dream no more and leave it all behind.” Preparing myself, as we rapidly run out of ‘next steps’ and near the end of our journey, to face a life without kids. Question is, will I be able to give up my dream and leave it all behind? At this stage I don’t see how, but I may have to face that reality and I need to start thinking about what my life will look like should that be the case.
Then there’s As I Call Out Your Name by The Howlers. Not really for any particular lyrics other than perhaps “The tears roll down my face, I’m thinking it’s all in vain” and “Cause it’s better than the pain I feel without you.” This song more reminds me what a wonderful family I have and how lucky I am to have such caring, supportive people around me. That probably won’t make much sense to most of you were you to listen to the track but if I told you it was both written and sung by my cousin that might help in understanding why it makes me feel this way.
And All of Me by John Legend. My hubby gives me shit every time I listen to this song, and yes, I know it’s soppy (which is generally not my kind of music) but it makes me think how wonderful my hubby is and how, even though this battle with infertility has been a horrible, heartbreaking and soul destroying fight, it’s actually made our relationship so much stronger, something I am truly grateful for. I wasn’t going to post all the lyrics here other than the couple that I first fixated on (“Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too. The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood” and “Even when I lose I’m winning” – we’ve certainly done enough ‘losing’ in the last four years) but reading through the lyrics there are so many in there that seem fitting (“Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts. Risking it all though it’s hard” and “My head’s underwater but I’m breathing fine”) I figured I should just put the entire lot in.
“What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
You got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
My head’s underwater
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you, oh
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing in my head for you
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all though it’s hard
I give you all of me
And you give me all, of you.”
And with all those full-song lyrics this has become quite a long post so I think it’s time to sign off. Tune in next time folks for another edition of Radio Bumble.
Links to all these tracks:
‘O, Children’: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQL5zdEy-3k
‘Are you the one that I’ve been waiting for’: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2Gnw8cLTT0
‘Take me over’: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrL9TsGVyxs
‘As I call out your name’: http://www.thehowlers.co.nz/#!original-music
‘All of me’: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=450p7goxZqg