So it’s been over a month since I last posted something. The morning sickness has continued, and although as of last week I’m not vomiting every day any more, I’m still nauseous and exhausted. It’s basically taking all my energy just to get through my normal work day, eat dinner and go to bed, which means there’s little room left for writing unfortunately.
It’s amazing how much energy being pregnant with twins takes out of you. Maybe it’s just me but I am knackered! By the time I get up and get set for work in the morning I’m about ready for another lie-down, by lunchtime I’m totally pooped, and by 3pm my eyes are closing at my desk and I’m really struggling to get my work done. It’s nuts! Luckily my hubby started a new job this week which means we now have two cars and I can leave work when I need to…not that I leave that early, I feel guilty finishing up too far from my normal ‘go’ time.
On top of feeling physically sick I’m also struggling (especially today) with the emotional side of being pregnant after infertility. While fertile friends, 4 days ahead of us in their twin pregnancy, are totally ecstatic and rushing around buying everything they can find, I’m still not quite able to believe that this is real, absolutely terrified that something is going to go wrong and we’ll chalk up another failed treatment to the endless infertility blackboard. There are so many extreme emotions.
I’m nervous things will go wrong, disbelieving that this could actually be our time, worried about every little twinge, distressed when there aren’t twinges, sad that the naïve joy of a fertile pregnancy has been stripped from us, then on top of all that I feel guilty for feeling all these things, knowing that there are so many still in the infertility trenches that would kill to be in my place.
It’s not all doom and gloom though. At 19 weeks tomorrow my belly is finally starting to grow and, although not quite looking pregnant all the time, I think I’m definitely coming out of that ‘eaten too many pies’ phase. As someone who’s always been conscious of weight it’s nice to be able to enjoy watching my belly grow knowing that our two little miracles are pushing it outward. This is one thing infertility has given me, the ability to feel good about my changing body, with little care as to what I will look like post-birth (I do like to feel healthy though so I’m sure I’ll be back doing weights at the gym as soon as I have the time and energy after the twins arrive).
I’ve started feeling movements too which is reassuring. I felt my first tiny flutterings around 11 weeks (although I know most doctors will tell you otherwise!), with them becoming more and more frequent, until now they’re more solid taps than flutterings and quite predictable at certain times of the day (mainly when I’m lying down morning & night). This is something else I’m loving and I can’t wait until I feel them all the time and can tell who is who.
We’ve had two proper scans, at 16 and 18 weeks, and the bubbas were growing well and on track at both. At 16 weeks they were worried one of the placenta’s (twin B’s) was too close to my cervix but that seems to be righting itself (fingers crossed) as time goes on. Twin A’s placenta is anterior while Twin B’s is posterior (one front, one back) which probably means, although not definitely, that the majority of the movement I’m feeling comes from Twin B as they’re closer to the outside, without a placenta between them and my tummy.
We also found out the twins sex at our 16 week scan which was so exciting! And we’re having twin boys! The result wasn’t really what we were expecting, which seems weird I know. My initial feeling weeks ago was two boys but then I’d convinced myself we had one of each, so to hear ‘two boys’ came as a real shock. Both hubby and I were stunned into silence for a minute or two, and even finishing up the scan and booking our next one I was so amazed and excited that I was barely coherent. We are totally team blue!
I was so disbelieving, again I have no idea why, that I emailed the clinic in San Diego to ask them to confirm from our PGS tests that I’m indeed carrying boys. Funny eh! I also got them to send through the sexes of our remaining frozen embryos and it turns out we had an exact 50/50 split. So we’ve got another 2 boys, 4 girls, and 2 unknown/untested embryos waiting for us in the States. I keep teasing my hubby that we’ll go back for a girl although I’d always planned on only two kids (ah, those plans of a pre-infertile mind) but I guess I’d never say never to a third. Let’s just see how we go with these two first eh! Any embryos we don’t use we plan on donating – preferably to another couple in need.
Once we knew the sex we started planning our gender reveals. We weren’t hooked on a big gender reveal party, I guess because of all the stuff we’ve been through to get here, but I knew I wanted to surprise my mum in some special way and I’d always planned on a gender reveal gimmick for a small group of our friends who have supported us right from the start.
For Mum we got two boxes and put a blue helium balloon in each, then tied them up with blue and pink ribbon. Our announcement coincided nicely with Mothers Day so my brother, his partner, my younger sister and stepdad were there as well which was great. Mum was convinced we had one of each purely because we’d used both pink and blue ribbon on the boxes. Haha, fooled you! My Mum opened one box and my brother the other, both to squeals of delight. It was cool.
They were then sworn to secrecy as the gathering with our group of friends wasn’t for another whole week. We let the rest of our families know in the intervening days then prepared for the big reveal to the friendship group. I had the crazy idea to make cupcakes….it was a mission. I couldn’t find half my baking stuff so it was a bit of a makeshift job and took way longer than it should have. Still, we got there in the end and turned up to the party with a batch of cupcakes looking plain on the outside but with little blue centres. We’d labelled half “Twin A” and half “Twin B” so half the group would find out one twins sex and the rest of the group the other twin.
Having sent a photo of the cupcakes (above) to a couple of my girlfriends pre-party, excitement was running high. At least one of the kids had already voiced their opinion “I don’t want a pink one!” Eventually it was time for the reveal. The kids all gathered around the dining table, were handed a cupcake each and told not to eat them until we said “Go!”. “3, 2, 1, go!” and the kids were away. I think the adults got a bit frustrated as the children were politely nibbling away at the outside, so a couple of the parents jumped in to rip them open.
“Twin B is blue!”
“Ooooooo! What’s twin A? Who’s going to yell out Twin A?
“Twin A! They’re both boys!”
Cue squeals and applause. It was awesome and I’m so glad we filmed it. Perhaps almost cooler was the video I received about a week later from one of the crew. Her son was playing ‘gender reveal’ by putting coloured discs into teacups – “if we’re having a boy it’s red….and if it’s a girl it’s pink.” Too cute!
So two boys it is and I think that’s actually starting to sink in. Let the preparations commence!….that is if I can bring myself to accept things will go right for once.