Preface: I have debated long and hard about whether to make this post public because for some reason its contents seem to have even more of a stigma attached to them than infertility does. Although my stance from the beginning of this blog has been that this is a record of our journey, that I wanted to document everything, and that if it even helped out one person going through something similar then that would be a bonus, posting this has been a hard decision to make knowing that this blog is not entirely anonymous, and that people I know and work with will read its contents. For those who know me you’ll know that it will have taken a lot to get me to this point, please don’t judge.
I’m in a bit of a messed up place right now. We got our IVF BFN two weeks ago and I haven’t managed to really cry or anything. I’m almost scaring myself with how well I’m coping, except that I’m not really coping. Outwardly I’ve seemed normal, and to be honest I’ve even felt like the pre-TTC me at times, but in reality inside I’m a mess. I’m so confused. On one hand I’m really enjoying being ‘normal’ for a few weeks until our IVF follow up (WTF) appointment, but on the other hand I’m feeling even more defective, left behind, and scared that this may never work – making me forever the childless ‘aunty’.
I really don’t know what to do. I feel like there’s all this pent up emotion in me that needs to come out but for some reason it just won’t budge. This is coming from a girl who is no stranger to tears, who is generally pretty free with her emotions, and who has always been able to ‘melt down’ when required. I think that’s almost freaking me out more than our future at this stage. I just can’t find relief and it’s so damn alien to me I don’t know how to respond. I’ve tried listening to sad music (a guaranteed way to get me to cry if I need to) – no tears. I’ve tried relaxation CDs – can’t relax. I’ve tried forgetting about infertility and being me – doesn’t work. Not only do I need to vent to move on, but I’m getting more and more worried that the longer this goes on, the more inappropriate my outburst will be when it finally hits. And on top of all that I’m still flat. Almost emotionless, but still full of emotion.
So time for something to happen. After chatting with a couple of friends last weekend I’ve started toying with the idea of anti-depressants. Until now I’ve always told myself I don’t need them, that I can pull myself out of this funk, and until now that’s always been the case. Looking back, this has actually been going on much longer than I’d let myself admit. In reality I was even feeling like this on our honeymoon which was nearly three years ago. At that time I put it down to exhaustion – a wedding, then frantic over-work to save for the honeymoon, then off to Europe and the States for an eight countries in nine weeks whirlwind holiday. Full on. Obviously I haven’t been down the entire time since then – there have been good days/weeks/months and bad – and it’s only really been truly noticeable in the last few months. I guess infertility and a negative IVF result has really been the final straw. So what am I going to do? Good question.
I started with some research on the interweb and have concluded that I definitely don’t have major depression. There is a milder version (Dysthmia) however that could possibly apply to my situation.
“More days than not, you feel mildly or moderately depressed, although you may have brief periods of normal mood. The symptoms of dysthymia are not as strong as the symptoms of major depression, but they last a long time (at least two years).” www.helpguide.org
Who knows, maybe I do, maybe I don’t but I’ve booked an appointment with my GP this afternoon to discuss it. I hope I get some kind of answer out of it because the thought of this being my life from now on really isn’t appealing.