Back into the ring

I know I haven’t posted in a while, it’s summer and I’ve been out enjoying life, something I’m determined to do more of this year.  I spent much of 2012 wallowing in what could have and should have been, and I won’t let another year go by waiting for wishes and dreams.  I may not have much control over whether I achieve this dream or not but I’m going to do everything in my power to succeed and I’m going to have a bloody good time while I get there.

My old friend AF is on its way as I write this (you could set a clock by my cycle it’s so regular) so Clomiphene cycle one is officially a BFN.  I’ve been trying to deal with this as positively as possible in light of my determination to have a more constructive year.  It’s not been easy I have to admit and I did have a small cry yesterday after looking at IUI prices, but I’m back on track today trying my best to think “never mind, there’s always next cycle.”  It does make it easier knowing that we’re not dealing with this alone anymore, that we have a fertility expert working alongside us and that there is a time limit on this before we try the next thing.  I am insanely grateful that my hubby and I both have good jobs and can afford to see someone decent without the endless wait of the public system.

We did try the going down the publicly funded route for a while (and will have to again should we end up at IVF stage – our jobs aren’t THAT good!) but we ended up switching to private for a couple of reasons.  One, because we could and I felt bad I was using resources that people who couldn’t afford to go private should have access to.  And two, I was not in a good headspace at that time and the endless bureaucratic hoops combined with my poor priority score meant VERY long waits for every treatment…Basically other than a slight suspicion of endometriosis (which has since been proven correct despite my ‘normal’ blood test, and has been privately removed) I had nothing obviously wrong with me, this meant I was the bottom of the list for all medication/procedures, with many months wait for even the most basic treatments.

So now onto another cycle of privately-funded Clomiphene with fingers crossed.  I have decided that if I’m not pregnant by my birthday (2 cycles away) we are going to try IUI….so we’d better get saving!  My birthday will mark two years since we started trying and while they have been a long and very painful two years I have learnt a number of things about myself and the world around me:

1. I am stronger than I ever thought possible and will bounce back regardless of how many times I am knocked down.
2. My husband is a godsend and I should count myself endlessly lucky that I have such an amazing man beside me who can still love me after so many grumps and meltdowns.
3. I have a remarkable group of friends and family who have been, and will be, supportive regardless of their views on children.
4. It is nothing personal when other people get pregnant and want to share their happy news
5. Reframing things in a more positive way really will make you feel better about life, even if it seems ridiculous or pointless at the time.
6. Those who have not had problems with infertility will never understand what it is like to go through this process and I should not be upset at their thoughts or comments.  A lot of the time they think they are helping and I should cherish their intentions rather than be upset at their vocalisations.
7. There is always someone worse off than you so be thankful for what you do have even if it’s not everything you want.
8. You are never alone even when it seems there is no one left in the world (thanks Team Twitter!).
9. People do not intentionally wave their babies in my face, it only seems like that sometimes.
10. Life is not ‘The Truman Show’ and pregnant people/babies are not deliberately cued up to surround me whenever I walk out the door.
11. When you’re feeling down there is only one way to go…up!
12. If I do my best to enjoy life, keep myself busy, remember to take time for me, and appreciate as many moments as I can, my problems won’t seem quite so ominous….well, not all the time at least.

So armed with my learning’s I jump back into the ring gloved up and ready.  This is one fight I am determined not to lose and if I’m not destined to win the title I’m sure as anything going to go down fighting.

Back to the Grindstone

First week back at work after a glorious holiday and boy has it been a hard week, in more ways than one!  Most people understand the post-holiday blues, everyone I talk to is a little bit down at leaving the carefree ways of the holiday world behind them and settling down to another year at the grindstone.  What many people don’t understand though is the added bonus for us infertile of the post-holiday baby announcements.  Unfortunately for me there is a lot of baby talk around my desk at the moment which doesn’t seem to be quite so prevalent on other floors of the building.  The wife of one of the guys I work next to is due to have her first baby in a few weeks.  This is a fact that everyone in the building seems to be aware of so anyone venturing even remotely in the vicinity of his office feels the need to stop for a chat on the matter and offer advice.  Extra lucky for me is that one of my bosses, who sits pretty much next door to this guy, also has a pregnant wife, so cue endless discussions on babies.  I never thought two guys would talk so much about it!  Add into this mix the people who feel this week is the best time to reveal their exciting news to their work colleagues, plus a few more comments and photos on Facebook and the trajectory is set for infertile meltdown.

Luckily it was just a small one this time.  Just a bad day all round, with other work and family stuff going on also, and by lunchtime it all got a bit much.  Went for lunch with my hubby and shed a few tears while out of the office, managed to compose myself and made it back to my desk looking almost normal. Two minutes in and the baby talk starts up again, argh!  Had to make a quick dash into my bosses very private corner office (she’s still on leave) to quietly lose the plot while the chatter carried on just outside the door.  It’s not that I’m not really happy for all of those revelling in their prospective parenthood, I am….Especially since all involved are such nice people.  It’s just pretty hard to remain positive 100% of the time.  I try my best to think on the bright side, that one day that will be me, that now my endometriosis has been removed and I’ve started on Clomiphene everything should be looking brighter on the baby front.  I think I’m pretty successful most of the time.  If I hadn’t told people I don’t think they’d realise the situation we’re in, but people still don’t really understand.  I honestly don’t think you truly can unless you’ve been in this situation yourself.  Same goes with a lot in life I guess.

It’s not a matter of jealousy of other people’s success (though I won’t deny that you do get pangs now and then), and it’s not even really a matter of trying to thinking positively.  It’s that you begin to question yourself and your ability to function like a normal human being.  Even on my good days I have the occasional wave of doubt.  I wonder if there’s something wrong with me, if my body can actually do what it’s physically supposed to.  I’m a woman, I am supposed to have an innate ability to reproduce and help continue the population.  What is it about me that makes me less of a woman biologically than any other female.  What do all these other women have that I don’t?

Unlike all of these ‘other women’, I have never experienced a BFP. I do realise this also means I have never experienced a miscarriage either (for which I am extremely grateful), unless you count the chemical pregnancy I thought I had in month 6, but I didn’t take a pregnancy test that month so it remains merely thought and speculation.  It would be nice to know that it’s actually achievable for me (the pregnancy that is) as it’s obviously unverified and we’re currently running on assumptions….and nearly two years is an awful lot of assumptions!  It’s been so long I’m almost not sure what I would do if I became pregnant, I mean, we’ve dedicated all this time, money, and energy towards finding Bumble it’s become a project in itself.  Would I know what to do with myself?  The excitement of a positive test is barely imaginable and I often find myself wondering how I would respond if or when this happens. Who would I tell, when, and in what order? As yet that’s undecided.  Ah well, I guess we can all dream.   Here’s hoping 13 is our lucky number and I get to see the result we’ve been hoping for this year.

“Phew for a minute there, I lost myself”

Happy New Year everyone!  Fingers crossed 2013 is our year and this blog becomes a story of pregnancy and parenthood rather than a struggle through infertility.  For a couple of reasons I’ve just had my first completely sober New Year’s party since I was a teenager.  Firstly, good old Aunt Flo hadn’t made an appearance yet so there was a chance I was pregnant, and secondly it’s advised you don’t consume alcohol or caffeine within a week of starting Clomid treatment, which I’d planned on starting early January should Aunt Flo decide to arrive.  I have to say I had a really good night.  Surrounded by some of my best friends at a fantastic beachside location, great music and loads of dancing to keep me awake.  I was one of the last to bed at 4:30 in the morning.  Not a bad effort I have to say.  The only downside of the night was that Aunt Flo got excited by all the commotion and decided to join the party just after midnight.  A most unwelcome guest unfortunately but what can you do.  I shed a couple of tears then (wo)manned up and enjoyed the rest of my night.

It’s been really nice having a holiday knowing there’s nothing at all I can do at this stage of my cycle to influence the outcome.  I haven’t been able forget about everything, I’m a real thinker so it’s impossible to turn that off entirely, but I’ve managed to give myself some kind of break over the last two weeks which has been good.  I just hope like hell that we have some luck this year because the thought of sitting here this time next year in the same position as we are now is soul destroying.  After a summer holiday and working through all the stuff we’ve been through over the last (nearly) two years I’m beginning to feel stronger, almost like we can battle through whatever we have to to reach Bumble.  There are still a couple of things that threaten to dent the armour though.  One of them is the idea of sitting here Bumbleless in a year’s time.  The other is a thought that only really snuck into my consciousness this week, although it has been hovering somewhere around the edge of awareness for a while now.

That thought is this.  Some friends are getting married in a couple of weeks’ time and all year I’ve had it in my head that I’d be pregnant for their wedding.  With the arrival of Aunt Flo on New Year’s that’s obviously not going to be the case but I’ve also come to the realisation that they could potentially become pregnant before we do.  I can’t quite put my finger on why this upsets me so much.  It’s not the fact that they’d be having a baby, of course I’d be thrilled for them, and they’re going to make great parents when it does happen for them.  Analysing it more, it seems to be loneliness behind the over-emotion associated with the thought of their potential pregnancy.  The idea of yet again being left behind while everyone else moves on with the next stage of their lives.  Despite being surrounded by supportive people infertility is an extremely lonely process and it’s pretty hard to stay positive sometimes.

I can never completely shake the idea that Bumble may never happen for us, then worry that my negative thoughts are impacting on getting us there.  It would be lovely to be able to escape for a while.  This holiday has got me part of the way there but to go back to a life where I’m not consumed with trying to conceive, even just for five minutes, would be fantastic.  The constant up and down of hope, then worry and despair, does take its toll after a while and it wears you down.  It’s like spending a day on a boat in rough seas then trying to walk on dry land, or spinning round and round in a circle then trying to walk in a straight line.  Things that would normally be simple just seem that much harder and out of your control.  My friend used to drink to deal with the pain of infertility, a way to drown the sorrows and block the pain.  At times I wish I could deal that way…perhaps it’s not so good for the TTC body but to be able to mask the pain for a while would be bliss….unfortunately that way’s just not for me.  I guess I need to find my own way to deal with this process as obviously I can’t be going off on holiday every month.  Maybe this blog is it for me, it certainly makes me feel better getting it all off my chest every so often, or maybe I’ll find something else…..OR maybe, just maybe, this Clomid treatment will work for us and I won’t need a way to deal with infertility at all.  Fingers crossed for the latter option.  I guess we’ll find out soon enough.  Hope you all had a great New Years and here’s to a bright and cheerful 2013!